the big c...

as in cancer... apparently my maternal grandmother is going to start chemotherapy today. i had no idea. and ever since i found out last night, it's been echoing in my head. cancer. why now? why my grandma? i mean, i have always been kind of expecting it because my mom's side of the family has a bad history of cancer but i never really thought about it conciously. what's really crazy and weird is that for like the past 3 or 4 months i have just had a feeling about my grandma. i can't really describe the feeling but it was just like i had a feeling something wasn't right but i kept brushing it off thinking i am crazy. and i didn't want to be likw wishing something bad on her if that makes any sense. the prognosis is actually pretty good but i am can't stop thinking what if. it hits me at the oddest moments. i'll be fine and then out of no where it just pops back up... cancer...
it sucks worse that it is my maternal grandmother because she is the ONLY grandparent i was ever close to in any way. my maternal grandfather, i never knew... he died when my mom was young and i've never even seen a pic of him. my paternal grandfather passed away on Christmas day a few years ago. I do have some good memories of being in Jamaica with him... he worked in the sugar cane fields and i remember him cutting stalks of sugar cane and stripping them for us to chew. and i recall going to the river with him... and having to bathe in a washpan. now my paternal grandmother... i don't really have any emotional attachment to her other than what i would feel for any old person. i feel so guilty because if i heard she had the big c, i don't think i would care as much... does that make me a bad person? probably but it is honest. my paternal grandmother (grandma 2) lived in the bronx in NY. a scant 2 hour drive away and i can not recall 1 time where she ever came to visit us or called to say happy b-day or merry christmas. she just wasn't a grandmother to me or my siblings or my cousins... she was never a good mother to my dad and maybe i have some resentment because of that. i don't know... but what i do know is my maternal grandmother (grandma 1) lived in Canada.. a whole different country... and she would take the greyhound to Philly and visit us in the summer. she would take me and my cousin on my dad's side to stay with her in Canada for a few weeks. she mailed us Christmas gifts and B-day gifts... and i know being a grandma is about more than gifts. but grandma 1 is there. she is always there for every graduation. for holidays. she calls us and tell us she loves us. she is eccentric and weird but she is reliable and constant. when she calls me, she asks about every single one of my friends that she has ever met... she asks about their kids... and it's genuine. she asks about my dad's side of the family. i just love her so much and i so appreciate the love she shows us. she is extraordinary so i'm sure she can beat this. i am keeping the faith. and i am making sure i take a trip to Canada soon to spend some time with her.