the big c...

as in cancer... apparently my maternal grandmother is going to start chemotherapy today. i had no idea. and ever since i found out last night, it's been echoing in my head. cancer. why now? why my grandma? i mean, i have always been kind of expecting it because my mom's side of the family has a bad history of cancer but i never really thought about it conciously. what's really crazy and weird is that for like the past 3 or 4 months i have just had a feeling about my grandma. i can't really describe the feeling but it was just like i had a feeling something wasn't right but i kept brushing it off thinking i am crazy. and i didn't want to be likw wishing something bad on her if that makes any sense. the prognosis is actually pretty good but i am can't stop thinking what if. it hits me at the oddest moments. i'll be fine and then out of no where it just pops back up... cancer...
it sucks worse that it is my maternal grandmother because she is the ONLY grandparent i was ever close to in any way. my maternal grandfather, i never knew... he died when my mom was young and i've never even seen a pic of him. my paternal grandfather passed away on Christmas day a few years ago. I do have some good memories of being in Jamaica with him... he worked in the sugar cane fields and i remember him cutting stalks of sugar cane and stripping them for us to chew. and i recall going to the river with him... and having to bathe in a washpan. now my paternal grandmother... i don't really have any emotional attachment to her other than what i would feel for any old person. i feel so guilty because if i heard she had the big c, i don't think i would care as much... does that make me a bad person? probably but it is honest. my paternal grandmother (grandma 2) lived in the bronx in NY. a scant 2 hour drive away and i can not recall 1 time where she ever came to visit us or called to say happy b-day or merry christmas. she just wasn't a grandmother to me or my siblings or my cousins... she was never a good mother to my dad and maybe i have some resentment because of that. i don't know... but what i do know is my maternal grandmother (grandma 1) lived in Canada.. a whole different country... and she would take the greyhound to Philly and visit us in the summer. she would take me and my cousin on my dad's side to stay with her in Canada for a few weeks. she mailed us Christmas gifts and B-day gifts... and i know being a grandma is about more than gifts. but grandma 1 is there. she is always there for every graduation. for holidays. she calls us and tell us she loves us. she is eccentric and weird but she is reliable and constant. when she calls me, she asks about every single one of my friends that she has ever met... she asks about their kids... and it's genuine. she asks about my dad's side of the family. i just love her so much and i so appreciate the love she shows us. she is extraordinary so i'm sure she can beat this. i am keeping the faith. and i am making sure i take a trip to Canada soon to spend some time with her.

Costa Rica Dreamin'!!

I love Nas! I heard him being interviewed on the radio this morning and it reminded me why i love him. he is not the average dumb rapper. the boy got some sense... i mean that has always been evident in his lyrics but *sigh* i heart him.

next...

i will probably be going to costa rica in feb. i am excited!!! as sooooon as i get back from florida, i am gonna have to start paying on costa rica... like asap cuz it's definitely not cheap. here is the resort



i am stoked!!
i definitely wanna do the canopy tour because it looks like it would be fun... i'm just scared a spider monkey might attack me... or some giant tarantula... hmph

i'm gonna do it!!!

here are some pics of costa rica... i'm gonna be broke but it is worth it.

i need sleep

so... i'm kind of a jerk. but before i get to that, let me talk about the weekend events...

friday night, i went over pink shoes/scrabble girl's house... i made salsa (which was delicious btw) and we ate tacos and drank beer and shots of patron... good times.

saturday... OMG...
my day started at 6 am when i woke up to get ready to see my cousin compete in a triatholon. his age group started at 8:07 and he finished at approx 10. swim 2 miles, bike 15 miles, then run 5k (approx 3.5 miles). I am so proud of him. so i was all inspired when i was there like "YEAH i'm training and i'm gonna do it with you next year"... then i realized i really don't swim that well. and i wouldn't even know where to begin as far as training goes. i might look into it though because i am thinking that will be a great way to get in shape.
ok after the triatholon, i went to a music conference from 11:30 -3 and that was an excellent workshop. it was at my church for those of us in the music ministry and i did take a lot from it.
AND my lil sis had her baby... a lil boy she named Israel and he was 6 lbs 5 oz of joy. a sweet lil baby. i am so excited for her and nervous for her at the same time.

sunday: went to church and came home... i really tried to go back to the hospital to visit lil sis but i couldn't. i was so exhausted.
but now onto why i am a jerk

so for those of you that haven't figured it out yet.... new crush is chris. we literally talk ALL THE TIME. like for hours and i love him... he is great. so we have talked about a lot of the things we have been through in prev relationships and i know he has had people tell him things that they didn't seem to mean or that they didn't back up with their actions... you know the same stuff we all go through. so i wanted to do something special for him and since we email and talk on the phone all the time, i decided to write him a letter. i think that i more personal and i knew he would appreciate it which he does. so he showed it to one of his good friends and i kind of got upset. i'm not even really sure why i got so upset. but i feel terrible about being upset now. it really isn't that serious. i thought i felt like blogging about it but now i realize i really don't so i am gonna stop here.

maybe more later

well...

if i have to go to another graduation, i may have to slit my wrists... just may. uhhhhhhh boring. i mean i am excited for the graduates but hearing people's names being butchered for hours is not my idea of fun.

so my parents were stuck in traffic yesterday for hours because apparently someone tried to jump off of the Delaware Memorial Bridge yesterday... like why?
anyway, my dad says: they should have just let him jump.
so i said: well he didn't really want to do it because if he did, there wouldn't have been enough time to talk... climb over the barrier and jump... what's with the hold up??
daddy: and why did he have to pick rush hour to do it? that was rude. i just want to get to where i'm going.
me: **laughing hysterically**
my brother: ya'll are ignorant.

then i felt bad... i guess i do have a morbid sense of humor but i mean seriously... why rush hour?? you must have wanted someone to stop you. i mean i have never been suicidal so it's hard for me to understand that frame of mind but i would think if i was going to do it, i would just do it and get it over with. i don't want to seem callous or insensitive because i do have pity and a sincere sadness for people who really feel like they have no options. i can't imagine being in such despair... but being the contradictory person that i am... i still found some humor in it... i know i am a bad person...

so i have been pondering something... when do i stop caring what other people think or will think about something? i mean at the end of the day i am the only one who has to deal with the consequences of my choices... whether they be beneficial or detremental... i know this but it is still so hard for me to throw caution to the wind and just say eff it. like i really don't want to disappoint anyone... especially my family and friends who were there for me through my roughest patches. the very people that just want the best for me and don't want to see me hurt.... again.... and if i do get hurt again, they will be the same ones there to help me pick up the pieces... but where do i draw the line? When do i stop letting people's opinions dictate my life?

I'm coming home again like Kanye.... in 17 days

sooo it's monday and i am falling asleep at my desk. this is so completely wack. But i did thoroughly enjoy myself in Chicago this weekend. met up with chris and had a swell time. i so can't wait to go back. well.... i might as well spill it. that is where i will be 4th of July weekend... back in Chi-town... and i am so not looking forward to dealing with the airports again. Friday after work, i drove straight to the airport and checked in... everything was pretty much smooth sailing. then my flight gets delayed.... then it gets delayed again. torture. i was supposed to leave Philly at 8:40 and didn't end up boarding the plane until 11:30. i wanted to stab myself in the eyes with coffe stirrers... the flight itself was cool, relatively short...
saturday went shopping and picked up the limited edition vera wang princess. i love it! i didn't like the original Princess... a lil too sweet for me... but this newer version is great! hmm... oh yes and i ate at Chipotle.... never even heard of it before but my friend (we'll call her america) was adamant that we eat there... and it was pretty darn tasty if i say so myself!

So i know i never mentioned where i was going 4th of july weekend, just that i was going out of town... well i'm going back to Chicago. I have been kind of careful about say too much about the new crush for various reasons but i think it's probably obvious now who it is.... however, i still won't say definitely! LOL! I'll be back in the Chi in 17 days... woo hoo!

R. Kelly... acquitted??

i mean... i saw part of the tape... and the part i saw looked like the r-ah. but according to his jury of peers, it wasn't him. kels was always sticking to his story like shaggy... it wasn't me. "But i seent (yes seent) you nukka!!" "IT WASN'T ME!!"
i guess ia m not surprised he got acquitted... the alleged victim and 3 of her family members said it wasn't her... even though 4 of her family members said it was...

here is the story...

i can't wait for the boondock episode about this here...
for those of you that never say the boondocks take on the trial...

my new summer drink

Three Olives Cherry Vodka and Red Bull with three maraschino cherries for affect....

mmm mmmm.... delicious!

tgimff!!

i am so effin annoyed with Solstice Boutique. I bought these Gucci sunglasses from there for $289 and a screw came out and these effers won't fix them... even though i have a supposed lifetime warranty... i don't have the receipt so they won't fix them. all i need is a friggin screw... it can not and should not be that serious. bastids.... i am so aggravated... i won't be buying anything else from them... losers. so for everyone that is saying "how much??"... it was an emotional purchase. it was right after i busted too short with some chicken and it made me feel better. retail therapy!!

I am dumb excited about my trip this weekend... it's gonna be short but it's nice to get away... and i have never been to chi-town. don't really know what i am gonna be doing yet other than the graduation on sunday but still very much looking forward to it. I may have a very interesting post when i get back... we shall see!

shuffle deez.....

ripped from chris...

MEME Rules:
1. Put Your iPod/ music player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
This Is My Heart- Boyz II Men

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
If You Don't Know Me By Now- Teddy Pendergrass

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Sucka For Love- Danity Kane (I am a little ashamed to have Danity Kane on my iPod but that is funny)


HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Ters In Heaven-Eric Clapton (shut up)


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Johnny Was- Bob Marley


WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Lovestoned- Justin Timberlake


WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Go- Mario

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
O Come- Israel and New Breed

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Hold Me In Your Arms- Whitney Houston and Teddy Pendergrass

WHAT IS 2+2?
Somebody's Gotta Do It- The Roots


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
The Wind- Conya Doss


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Half A Chance- Angie Stone


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Beautiful Me- Donnie

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Shining Star- Earth Wind and Fire


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Sweet Love (I Just Don't Know)- Conya Doss


WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Dirty Diana- Michael Jackson (LMAOOOOOOOO)


WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Follow My Lead- 50 Cent/Robin Thicke


WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Need him Now - Izzy


WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Pork Chops and Onion Gravy- ?? (baltimore Club Music mix- DOUBLE LMAOOO @ this one... that is hilarious)


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I care 'Bout You- Milestone (Soul Food Soundtrack)


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
7th Heaven - Vanity (The Last Dragon Soundtrack)

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
In This For You- Chrisette Michelle



ok what can i say other than i am weird... wtf? this was pretty entertaining though... thanks chris

BIG UP TO ALL MY HATERS!

I have to start this post by addressing my haters. YES I am better than you. I'm cuter than you, I'm smarter than you, and most importantly, I have a little thing called a personality and self-esteem AND pride. go ahead and size me up... but do so knowing that you are only going to feel worse about yourself in the end.

thanks

okay now that that is out of the way...

it is hot as hell today. like seriously i woke up at 7 am and it was already 84 degrees. that is soooooooo uncalled for. and to make matters worse, my air conditioning is not working correctly. it is just barely cooling my apt. like it makes it comfortable as long as you are not moving around too much. I told the maintenance guy and it is supposed to be fixed today. if i go home and it's not... someone is going to get mollywhopped.

so i go to chicago this friday... i am excited. never been so i'm really looking forward to it. i am going to try my hardest not to get into any trouble while i am there... we'll see...

so one of my sis had a baby shower yesterday and my ex-friend diddy (the one who i had a big falling out with about 2 years ago) showed up. she actually paid me the balance of the money i owed her. I am still kind of in shock. i wasn't expecting it at all... especially since one of our last conversations i told her to just keep the money as long as she never talks to me again... lol. i'm glad she paid me though. i soooo needed that money right now.

i think i am going to costa rica in feb.... i hope no one kidnaps me and sells my organs on the black market. hmmmm

that's all for now.

TGIF!!!

one of the worse feelings, in my opinion, is that moment right after you take a sip of something and right before you swallow, you realize it's not your drink.... absolute torture. this happened to me a few months ago at a Phillies baseball game. we were tailgating in the parking lot... bbq-ing hot dogs and burgers and drinking beer. it was a beautiful day and a good time. i put my Corona on the trunk of a car to take a group picture...



then i go to the car and pick up a corona and take a nice healthy swig... and realized mid-swig, "this shit ain't mine!"
my throat locked down on me... i couldn't swallow and was busy looking for somewhere to spit it out that wouldn't completely gross out my friends... and someone snapped a pic of me looking crazy...



i finally found somewhere to spit and i had a slight panic moment until i found out is was my friends and then everything was ok. i mean i don't make it a habit to drink after people but i was relieved is was my friend and not some random yuck-mouth...

it's supposed to be hot as the dickens in the philly metro area this weekend. i am soooo not looking forward to it...

maybe i'll post something else later...

the song i have on repeat on my ipod right now is Jazmine Sullivan "Break My Little Heart"

pretty random

i had the most bogus dream last night. i have all these trips coming up and i think i am starting to get travel anxiety or something. anyway, in my dream, i was at the airport and was at the wrong gate had to haul it to the right place and the plane was about to leave me. then we land and i go to baggage claim and i have the wrong suitcase. there is all this humidity and my hair turned into a poofball... then i get to the hotel and i didn't pack anything useful... like i forgot all my hair stuff and face stuff... no toothbrush. i was soooooo annoyed int he dream. so i woke up and made a list of things i need to make sure i pack... trip number one to chicago for my friends graduation is in 8 days... then i come home for two weeks and get right back on a plane for 4th of july weekend, then i come home for another two weeks and am off to disney world.

so i guess it's time for a crush update... everything is.. well... swell. it's still int he gooey sweet stage and i am loving every second of it. so far this dude seems to encompass what i have been looking for. still new though, so we'll see what happens...
isn't weird when you spend time with someone new and it's like who the heck did i talk to b4 i met you? i honestly can't remember when this person was not in my world and it's not that long ago... just seems like he's been there forever... weird

i can't wait for the weekend, i don't really have anything planned but it will be 2 whole days i don't have to go to work...

some random ponderings (from discussions last night):
sode or pop? (i say soda)
hoagie or grinder or sub? (hoagie)
caramel pronounced car-a-mel or car-mul? (carmul)
caribbean pronounced ca-rib-BE-an or ca-RIB-be-an?

sometimes i think i am retarded

so, my passat has been out of commission due to an engine problem and i have been borrowing my little brothers truck. now his truck is like a 95 explorer... old and loud and just doesn't look like anyone should really be driving it. that's not why i'm retarded though... why i am retarded is because... well... let me explain it like this...

so i took the truck to my parents' house so my bro could replace the brakes for me. he ended up being outside for a while messing with the radio, checking the oild and what not. he comes in the house and said he is all done. i go outside to leave and lo and behold the air conditioning is on blast.
so i say "hey (brother), you fixed the air too??"
and he says, "Uh yeah... i fixed it like last year."
so i said, "are you serious?"
and he said, "yeah. you didn't know the air worked?"
me,"NO! SO I'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND IN A HOT ASS CAR AND THE AIR WORKED ALL THIS TIME?!?!?"
him, "you didn't try it?"
me, "heck no, i just assumed it didn't work so why bother..."

THAT is why i feel retarded! LOL! i mean seriously, why the heck didn't i just try the air to see if it worked. i'm slow sometimes...

so i was reading somewhere that doodles have meanings... like what you doodle has some correlation to personality traits or something... i dunno. but i tend to doodle the same things repeatedly... lips, eyes, hearts, flowers, and my name... dumb stuff. i wonder what, if anything, that means about me?? hmmm
here is a page from a pad i doodle in at work... pretty boring ( i took the pics my phone so they are dark). anyone care to psycho-analyze?