48 minutes

so it's 1:42 in the morning and i can't sleep. insomnia, it appears, has made a grand re-entrance into my life. it went away for a while. must have just gone fishing though because it is back with a vengeance. i think i know why though. so that is an improvement. i know it is a sin to hate but i really dislike all of my exes. every previous boyfriend that helped to contribute to the issues i have now that i am trying to deal with. see the problem is, when i love, i love hard. it's the real thing. and i am loyal and passionate and romantic and optimistic. but my past experiences have caused me to become somewhat jaded. i dunno. i am just re-evaluating my life and trying to decide what to do. i so want to just pack my stuff and move. just be out. be with chris. but that makes absolutely no sense. and i can't do that to my family. i doubt i would find a job that pays what i make now... i just wish i knew the future... that i knew everything would be ok. but i don't and it makes me nervous. it scares me to actually hand my heart over again. i am so tired of being hurt, tired of my friends telling me how great i am and how it is always their loss. i am tired of questioning what i could have done differently. i am tired of being sad. i am tired of being misunderstood. i am tired of being thought of as weak because i feel things deeply. i am tired of having dreams of fighting demons (weird i know but it happens randomly about once or twice every two to three weeks). i am tired of explaining myself and why i can't help but think the way i do... even though i know it is silly. should i just not say what i feel? should i pretend i am just tired? lies are a cancer... i'll take my chances with the truth. why am i not allowed to be insecure or need reassurance? why can't u just reassure me instead of getting upset with me?
1:54 a.m.
how am i gonna function at work tomorrow on only a few hours of sleep and with puffy eyes and stuffy nose? i feel bad for snapping on my lil sis. it's not her fault this melancholy fell over me. it's no ones fault really. just my own fears.

so i took this color test earlier. i guess i can post my results here.

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.
Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.

Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.
Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

right now i just want to not care anymore. i want to go to sleep and wake up and not have the pressures and emotional strain i am carrying now. i want to delete someone who accepted a friend request only after weeks of weighing her options... beat it bitch.
i want to help my mom deal with her stress
i want my grandma's hair to grow back and for her chemo to be over with. i want her to be healthy again. physically and emotionally.
i want my sisters to be good mothers.
i want to stop crying... it started again thinking about my grandma.
i am so overwhelmed. emotionally fragile. i feel like i need a flourescent orange "Handle With Care" sticker taped across my heart.
i wish i was someplace else... i wish i was sleeping.
2:01
my eyes are tired but my mind is racing...
what if?
what if?
what if?
i need to rely on my faith right now. i need to go pray. i have been neglecting the Lord and my time with Him lately. maybe that is why i feel like i am falling apart. maybe that is why i feel guilty. maybe that is why the demon dreams are back... and the anxiety.
2:08
sleep seems so distant. peace seems so distant.
i love chris. unexpectedly and totally and completely. like i would beat someone up for him... like there is a list of people who hurt him that i would love to stomp with my size 4.5 youth timberlands. stomp their faces in. i feel protective of him and i want to punch them all in the head. but he says it's not worth it and he is right. as much as i don't want to admit it. he is right a lot actually. i need him. he helps me and he makes me want to be better. he says i do the same for him. isn't that how it is supposed to be? so why the insecurities? i guess cuz i'm here and he's there. and there has always been the issue of another chick. hotsauce married his other chick. too short got busted with his other chick. the arteest i don't think ever let go of his previous chick. i know he still emails her. hell both of us are often on the same email. i dunno... i know in my heart that chris is so much better than them. for me at least. but i am so scared. so so scared to go through that heartache again. after hotsauce, i thought i was gonna have an emotional break down. it took me three years to tell another man i love him and mean it.
2:15
i guess i will try again to get some sleep
mr. sandman seems just outside of my grasp... my fingertips stretch to their limit trying to just get a grip on his coat tail. just a tug to get him to sprinkle some dust over here so i can sleep... i can almost feel the midnight blue velvet i imagine his jacket to be... and he has a top hat. my mr. sandman vaguely resembles mr. peanut. we haven't danced this waltz in quite a while... my mr. sandman and i. it's been a few weeks since we've had this dance... this flirtation i used to be an expert at. he would court me... lull me into a false sense of comfort and sleepiness. then turn and hightail it. taunt me with the idea of a good night's rest. he would flaunt how he lavished my roommate with hours of lovely sleep... precious hours that are ticking by that i won't be able to retrieve once spent. while i would sit watching... wondering when it would be my turn... yes i remember this dance now. i fall right back into the rhythm of it. my feet instinctively moving to the melody... even though my mind doesn't even want to acknowledge the familiarity of it all...

2:26
closing eyes now in hope of some peace.
why me?

***update***
i finally did fall asleep somewhere after 5 a.m.
now i am at work and i feel like i am being stabbed in the eyes...
uhhhhhhh