I'm better

I feel a lot better... i don't have time now but i will explain more later. i am still stressed and still overwhelmed but no longer falling into depression. uhg... i have to get to work... torture

the blues

i know i haven't posted/commented in a while. but i think i am falling into depression. i am not a person that gets depressed often. actually the last time i even came close i was breaking up with the ex-fiancee. and that was more of an emotional breakdown. and before that, i can't remember ever really being depressed. i am an optimist by nature but something has happened to my mental state. i don't know what this is. i'm in a funk. i feel like i am just falling deeper and deeper and no matter how hard i try i can't bring myself out. like quicksand.. the harder i fight, the faster i sink. i am overwhelmed. i can't stop crying. even now. there's too much going on to even type but i will try to talk about it more later. for now, please pray for me.

R.I.P. BOOG...

I am really having a hard time today. i found out one of my friends and co-workers at verizon died on saturday. in all honesty, i am really not sure why this is affecting me as deeply as it is.
here is the article

Apartment fire kills woman in Northeast

A 26-year-old woman was killed in a fire that started in her apartment in Northeast Philadelphia Saturday night.
The 9:30 p.m. fire was confined to the bathroom of the victim's first-floor apartment in the 600 block of Waterview Lane, off Woodhaven Road, Deputy Fire Chief Joseph Picozzi said. The apartment is in one of several three-story buildings in the St. Ives apartment complex.

Picozzi did not immediately release the identity of the victim. The fire, which was brought under control in 20 minutes, is under investigation.

there is speculation as to whether or not she took her own life. i just don't know what to think... we weren't the best of friends but i just always looked at her like a lil sister. we would argue about everything... friendly arguments but arguments none the less. She was just so cocky, always talking trash... but i could see past the bravado to the hurt that was inside. even the "arguments" we had were more or less just me trying to get her to see the bigger picture... i always wanted her to be "better"... it was just a weird, complex friendship that we had. i will miss her even though i didn't talk to her everyday, i talked to her enough to feel the loss. i mean 26... i am in such a diffent place now at 28 then i was at 26. so much has happened and so much is yet to happen. i know it is cliche but her passing definitely made me examine my own life and beliefs. as corny as it sounds, it made me value my salvation... it made me really value and appreciate the grace of God. i say that because i have put myself in more than a few situations that could have turned out very badly for me, i have made decisions that were irresponsible and just flat out dumb and dangerous. i realized that i could just have easily not lived to be here typing this but God had some mercy on me. i know i don't talk about my beliefs that often on here but it is a major part of my life... i just feel like maybe i was taking some things for granted. i am so sad about this. sincerely heart-broken. there are so many things i wish i said to her... i dunno.

RIP Kyra -aka- Boog

I am gonna miss you...

Miss New Booty: session 2

so on saturday, i had another session with the trainer. it was harder than the last one! we started with the bike again to warm up but longer this time. the "hard minute" almost killed me. from there we did jump rope. i haven't jumped rope since i was about 14... it was more tiring than i remember. from there we went to the floor to work with the big ball thing again. then wee did some boxing type stuff and that was fun. from there we did some light weights to work my shoulders. 3 measly pounds in each hand but my shoulder muscles were BURNING by the end of it. torture... so all of this was in an hour. my muscles feel like they are going to go on strike... i am sore as heck... I am scared to go back on tuesday but this is what i needed. it's about time i started taking care of myself!

so as promised here is a sample of my meal plan...

7:00 AM- oatmeal w/ a banana or whole wheat (not enriched) bagel w/ organic fruit spread

10:00 AM- 25 grapes or 25 blueberries or an orange or an apple or 20 RAW almonds (you get the idea)

1:00 PM- grilled chicken over salad w/ organic dressing ( no corn syrup or additives)

3:00 PM- repeat 10:00 AM

6:00 PM- grilled salmon of chicken or turkey w/ any 3 veggies or small amount of brown rice.

and i am supposed to drink a crazy amount of water...

I am gonna start the meal plan portion of it on the 22nd so i'll keep you posted on that as well!

Miss New Booty! session 1

That's what I was expecting from my exercise session last night with the personal trainer. But I was pleasantly surprised that is not what i got at all. Last night was the first of 8 training sessions with Rick. I was very worried for a few reasons... 1- he calls his gym "the dungeon", 2- my cousin, who is way more in shape than i am, threw up after his first session, and 3- i am soooooooo not in shape it's not even funny. so anyway, i get there and rick is very nice, personable, not a weirdo like the vision i had in my head. and he explained every thing to me. what the exercise was and why we were doing it and how it's going to help. i learned a lot. so apparently, since my goal is the triathlon in june, we are focusing on white muscle fibers instead of red muscle fibers... never knew there was a difference but essentially working the red muscle equals bulk and the white equals tone and endurance. we started out with me on a stationary bike for about 15 minutes. and towards the end of that time, he turned the resistance up and made me give him a "hard minute" of pedaling as fast as i could with the resistance high. dude... 1 minute of that and i was fittin' to PASS the bleep out! LOL! so from there we went to the bosu and i had to balance on that sucker and do squats... like this



that was way harder than it looked. okay so after that, he straps these resistance band things to my ankles. and we did some stuff with the big ball thing. and then we did some light 2.5 lb. weight for my arms. i was hurting. but it was well worth it. i felt good afterwards. i am still not ridiculously sore but i think that will happen tomorrow. day 2 is always worse. so my next appt will be on saturday at 12 and i have to do 30 minutes of cardio on my own one day this week. i also have a meal plan to follow which doesn't seem too hard. i'll try to post some "before" pics and my meal plan later this week.
i'm excited and i definitely think i made the right decision. triathlon aside, almost everyone on my dad's side over the age of 40 has "sugar". and we are all chunky butts... sooooo this is motivation to get in shape for my health and well being as well as proving to myself i can do it!

I can do it!!!

so i have decided to participate in a triathlon next June. it's a three part race with swimming half a mile, biking some miles (i forget how many but i want to say 13 or 23) and running 5k. yes i am chubby as hell and yes i have not seriously exercised in years BUT I am determined and dedicated to doing this. I got a trainer who specifies in this sort of conditioning and our first meeting is next Tuesday. He is putting me on a meal plan and i have to meet him twice a week for an hour in "the dungeon" which is what he calls his gym. i am nervous already but i am excited as well. i will be posting my progress with some pics during the next 8 months...
So far 2 people have laughed at me and said i am not gonna do it... little do they know... i can be quite determined. AND i will do this for the satisfaction of proving them wrong. Really though, i am doing this for myself. i want to prove to myself that i can do it... that anything is possible. so you guys pray for me and we'll see what happens...