I realize that I am really getting old... okay so 26 is not actually OLD but I feel old. I am just not interested in the BS anymore. Friday night I went out to old city (a section of Philly with lots of bars/clubs) and drank a pitcher of margarita (on the rocks-no salt) and this was after drinking half a bottle of zinfandel so needless to say, I was happy. now had this been a few years ago I would have been going bar to bar dancing my lil butt off but now that I am old, I was perfectly content to go home and go to sleep! however, i was with young heads so I ended up doing the bar hopping thing. at this hole in the wall called Drinkers, there was this drunken white boy who looked like he stepped off of a j crew catalog and was more than a little bit drunk who bought me a drink and so I danced with him... WHYYYYYYY did he try to grab the tatas.... why why why.... well I know why... he was pissy drunk and they are unavoidable... see....


I didn't get mad though... I just pushed him off and laughed and told him he wasn't ready for all these goodies!

so saturday the weather was FANTASTIC and a guy that I work with called me to invite me to a bbq/party. I agreed to go and my 20 year old sis was with me. we picked up another girlfriend and headed over there.... bad idea. first of all... the three of us walk in and ALL EYES were on us... in my head I heard a needle scratch across a record as all noise came to a stop. that's not really what happened but that is how it seemed. everyone in there was smoking... and I ain't talking about newports... and we were seriously amongst a bunch of birds... i literally felt like I had just walked into a scene of "the wire". that shyt looked like "Hamsterdam" minus the geedies (camden term for crackhead) but not necessarily the crack. as much as I hate to assume and sterotype, them ni99as was sho nuff on they hustle. now I am from the hood... raised in Camden which is supposed to be the most dangerous city in the nation, but my first instinct was to turn and leave. But then I spotted W.P. Clucker's ex-best friend (the one that put w.p. clucker's husband's business on BLAST)and as childish as it is, I had to stay to just to annoy her! LOL! I put my life in jeopardy to annoy a chicken... but I am woman enough to admit I was being petty. it was funny though!! but on the real, I am not beat to sit in a house full of ni99as smokin weed and drinking... I just don't need to do that. so I went outside to sit on the step and get some fresh air b4 leaving. Somehow, I ended up in an hour long convo with this young boy... he was only 2 years younger than me but I say young boy because his mentality was that of a 18 year old. He was saying that he HAD to hustle because he didn't finish high school so he is already labeled a criminal. I was trying to tell him he didn't have to put himself in that box society has for him. he can do something with himself. I told him I didn't want to see him in jail or worse dead. I think I was getting through... from our conversation it seemed like no one had ever told him he had an option b4. I can't believe that is true but that is how it seemed. My hour with him really did disturb me. I have been thinking about him ever since, because I really want him to make it. like normally, I would be like eff it, it's your life but for some reason I really feel like i need for him to make it. I don't know if he will and I may never see him again but I am hoping for the best.
anyways, it's monday... got to get to work... bah humbug

WHAT YOU JUST CALL ME??

yall... I am at a crossroads... I don't know whether to pursue this thing with lil short man. I guess I am just frustrated with the fact that I never know where I stand with him. I mean I know he likes me and we spend a lot of time together so that should be enough.... and it would be if he ain't make smart comments all-the-dayum-time. I have a smart mouth and can trade wits with the best of them... but I never really know when he is playing or serious. it. drives. me. batty. on one hand he is super sweet and will call me in the morning when I am on my way to work just to say hi and wish me a good day, but that same afternoon he will say something effed up where I am looking at him sideways like wtf? so last night I went over to his apt. and he is a teacher so he was looking for summer employment. we were talking about life and I don't even know what sparked the argument but we ended up going back and forth for like 5 minutes b4 he said something that made me laugh. and then all was well... we play fought a lil bit and then we were kissing... yall know the routine... well as he was kissing my neck (quite deliciously I might add) the unthinkable ALMOST happened... I almost called him the ex! LOL! I caught myself in the nick of time but that would have been some ish! I guess part of me wants to just chill and have fun but a bigger part of me doesn't want to just date casually. I am just not one of those people that feels the nee dto date a whole bunch of different people. I dunno... I guess I will just chill. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head. I don't get it. ah well... enough about him...
I interview tomorrow morning for the sales position I am trying to get... it is like a $300 increase per week and that is just the base salary...
Apartments in Jersey are waaaaaaaaay too expensive. a 2 bedroom is going for like $950 and that is on the lower end... I may need to look for a roommate even though I really don't want to...
OH and my lil sis has lost her cotton pickin' mind... she is 18 and just graduated from high school. why did she try to go off on my mom?? yall we are Jamaican... west indian families do not consider 18 to be grown... you are grown when you are on your own.... and EVEN THEN, you DO NOT jump bad with your momma. and my mom is unstable. once when I was 17 and was smellin' myself thinking I was grown, she was telling me to do something and I kissed my teeth... I had my back turned to her but I didn't even hear her walk over to me, all I know is I looked up and got SNUCK! LOL! I'm talking about a left hook to the jaw. I couldn't chew right for 3 days. so needless to say my lil sis definitely must be smokin dem tweeds or something because she jumped bad with my mom and my mom must have pushed her shoulder... *smh* why did my sis proceed to yell at my mom talking about she is grown and not to hit her. She actually told my mom, "don't put your hands on me, I am an adult!" all I can say is she been around them white folks a tad too long. she went to North East High School in North East Md where there were all of about 30 minorities all together in the entire school for the last two years and apparently forgot who she was. yeah my mom tried to kill her... my other sis (the one who had the baby) had to try to seperate it but she was ready to hurt my other sis too because you just don't do that. so anyway my mom told her if she is grown to get the eff out her house... you get the point. so my sis picks up her cell phone to call someone and my mom was like no put down MY muthaeffin cell phone and get the eff out. My dad is the softee of the pair and so when he got home from work he was all upset that my sis had left. I say she needs a reality check and let her go see what real life is like. she'll be back.

awkward moments and good reads

I am reading this book... "Making Friends With Black People" by Nick Adams... it is hilarious!



In other news....
Hotsauce's (the ex-fiancee) room mate from college is getting married. hotsauce and I are both invited... well hotsauce is in the wedding but I still received an invitation even though hotsauce and I are no longer together. so originally we agreed to come solo but when I agreed to that, I was thinking there was still hope for us to get back together. now that I have no desire to be with him anymore, I don't want to go to the wedding by myself... i am not gonna bring 2 short (the dude i've been seeing) but I do want to bring someone because I will not know anyone there... might be selfish but oh well...

and speaking of selfish... am I wrong for feeling some type of way about the followin?? Hotsauce sent me a text message yesterday asking if I still wanted to keep my dog Lily and I said of course but I have no where to live right now so what would he like me to do... so he then responds that he is giving Kai (our Akita) away because he doesn't have the time to take care of her. now his schedule has not changed much in the past 3 years... we've had Kai for 4 years... how can he just give her away?? i don't understand it. I told him I would take her too because I can't imagine her going to another family... she has allergies and has to eat special food... what if they don't treat her right?? he is an asshole. the good thing is everytime I start to get soft and want to talk to him again, he pulls some shyt like this and reminds me why I left in the first place. BASTID

sooooooooo I'm going on this boat ride in DC in a couple of weeks... it is apparantly a Que function... I am not a greek so I know nothing about nothing... my friend who invited me is a delta and refers to me as a GDI (a got dayum individual) but she assured my I will have fun... yall pray for me. I have heard some stories... so far the advice I've gotten is to keep the girls covered and all should be well... we'll see.

dating circus midgets

so I am dating this guy... and I like him... but he is weird. Maybe not weird but I don't get him. that might be a good thing since I pride myself and being able to figure dudes out and then proceed to have them strung out like dope fiends... but in his case, I am actually having fun trying to see where I fit in in his world. we are both extremely busy so that is good that he has a life and interests and hobbies. So I find myself a little bit beat. This was a semi-blind date/hook-up type deal. my homie dee has known dude since they were like 10 and she took a pic of me to him but I didn't see him b4 meeting him. but he is a cutie... might be a midget though! LOL! he is maybe 5'6" at the most and I am 5'2" so he is still taller than me but still a shrimp. anyway, the one HUGE downfall is that told me his last relationship ain't work out because he had gotten his ex-ex pregnant while with his ex... *cue drama music*
He said that when he first started dating his ex (we'll call her WQ for weave queen... not hating but I know her through someone else and she is the official weave-a-nista... they be tight though) he was still dealing with his previous ex (we'll call her PC for Philly clucker... yes I am hating this time... LOL). He said him and PC had an arrangement that they were not together but they were still friends with benefits... so once things started to get serious with WQ he told PC he wasn't gonna be seeing her anymore and she went off on him and was basically like no she ain't having it. well lo and behold WQ starts popping up at his church and other various places and calling his phone at all hours of the night and all that crazy stalkerish type behavior. So he changed his cell number and that apparently made her even more crazy and he finally told WQ what was going on with PC. so WQ said she understood and it wasn't a big deal because they weren't serious at first and blah blah blah... so anyway a few months go by and he hears through the grapevine that PC is going around saying she is pregnant and it is his so he said he didn't believe her and he called her to meet because he said he hadn't been with her in so long if she was pregnant by him she would have to be showing by that time. He went to see her and she was showing with a lil belly and was about 4 or 5 months pregnant at this time. he acknowledged it could have been his and gave WQ the news... WQ said she would stand by him and she believed him. Anyway everyone is going on with their lives and waiting for the baby to be born to see if it really is his or not when he gets a call from one of his boys saying that PC is no longer pregnant. again he wass not believing that and was thinking she was playing games so he calls her again and arranges to see her and she wasn't pregnant anymore and she told him that she lost it... so he said he had gotten used to the idea of possibly being a father and was actually starting to get excited so when he got the news that she wasn't pregnant anymore he wasn't sure how to react. like he was partly relieved but he couldn't explain why he felt a sense of loss. he said he didn't tell WQ right away because he wanted to get his own thoughts and feelings together first but somehow she found out and confronted him. He told WQ that it was true PC was no longer pregnant and he said she cursed him out and said he is a liar and she was breaking up with him for not telling her.
Now what I don't understand is why break up after she lost the baby. If you gonna leave, you should've left when he first told you she was knocked up.
anyway, I know what you are thinking, why would I continue to talk to him knowing all that... I have a few reasons:
1) I am not gonna judge him on that or hold it against him because we all have our skeletons. I have some stuff in my past that I know if people knew they would hold it against me and I am not that same person anymore... I used to cheat and now I don't because it is not worth all the drama.

2) He didn't have to tell me that because even though I know the ex WQ, we are not anything resembling friendly and chances are I never would have found out... ok I am lying I knew b4 he told me because WQ is good friends with my cousin who got the scoop for me. LOL but still I never told him I knew and he volunteered to tell me without me asking. he could have told me anything but he told me the truth (or at least the truth about getting his ex knocked up)

3) he's a cutie pie and we are very compatible in a strange way... our first phone convo was over 3 hours... and there is just this comfort level that we have that usually would take a long time to achieve.

so I am gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. I got my eyeballs peeled open though because I am not a sucka! I want to believe the best but part of me does feel like a re-re for even giving him a chance. but I am giving him a chance. we'll see how it plays out...